Thinking...

I am wide awake. This is common for me when I have a lot running through my mind.

There are so many thoughts I have been having recently that I have found it hard to get on here.

First, I have been researching nursing programs. I have finally decided that for everything I want out of a career it would be a good fit for me. I have never known what I wanted to do with the exception of being a mom. It has taken me a long time to figure this out.

I started figuring out what I wanted in a career through a therapist I used to see. She was able to help me focus on what was important to me and what I would want from a career. Now I am terrified I won't do well in school. I have been to college and always avoided science classes at all costs. I will now have to go take 4 science classes to get into nursing school. This scares the crap out of me!

Second, BABY.

My heart wants a baby. My logic says to wait. My husband wants a baby.

My heart still breaks over the loss of our pregnancy in July. I think every day how I should be pregnant and getting bigger with a baby. I think about our baby every day.

Now I know everybody that has kids always says you can't plan everything, everything will always work out and that there is never a good time to have a baby.

WELL my brain is going crazy with all of this. My heart aches every time I see a baby. When I see my husband holding or playing with a baby my heart drops. I can't help feeling what I feel but I am a planner or at least I always try to be.

My brain always has this picture with a timeline in it of where things should be and what age I should be at doing certain things. Now most people I know will say (I say it also) expectations are planned disappointments. Nothing goes as planned. I know I've REALLY tried in the past. I try and try to not have this time line in my brain but somehow it always creeps back in.

There are a few reasons I want to wait on having a baby.
1. Money shortage
2. Nursing school

Ok maybe not a few maybe only two reasons... hmmmm.... I'm puzzled now. Oh wait and my job sucks. I can't imagine being gone from a new baby 5 days a week! (This is another plus of nursing. 3 12 hours days is full time)

The reason I want a baby. My heart and my husband both want to start a family. Matt is the love of my life. I want nothing more than to start a family with him. I know with him our family regardless of how much money we have or what we do will be perfect.

Matt knows every day I think about a baby. He told me today he wants me to get pregnant (my heart melts).

Awhile ago I got a fortune cookie I keep in my iphone case that says "Forget the doubts and fears that are creeping into your heart". When I got this Matt looked at me, I knew then what he was thinking without him saying it. BABY.

I need to do some praying about this. Please feel free to leave comments with helping words or what you think.

xoxo, J